


Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace

by lovemattel



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cheating, Ex Girlfriends, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Katya and Violet are Engaged, Lesbian AU, Lesbians, Marriage, Praise Kink, Smut, Trixie is a Wedding Planner, katya is an artist, they're still in love, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25922896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemattel/pseuds/lovemattel
Summary: trixie is a wedding planner. katya is getting married. and they fall in love all over again.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova, Violet Chachki/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 14
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this my first proper fic so be gentle! the title is from Speak Now by Taylor Swift. please let me know what you think, I hope you enjoy it!

Trixie checks her watch and puts on her white heels, takes one last look in the mirror and smoothes her pink pencil skirt down with a sigh. She is meeting her new clients in 30 minutes, she’s going to be early, as usual.

Trixie loves being a wedding planner, it's not exactly what she expected her career to be after going to college for musical theatre, but yet this is where she finds herself.

Trixie is always organised and put together; her outfits always match, her hair is always perfectly styled and her makeup is always done. Her pink diary is crammed with different consultations, venue evaluations and decoration shopping. Trixie enjoys the drama of it all- creating a fairytale out of an outdated church hall, watching a couple fight over the colour of balloons, pleasing the obnoxiously picky mother-in-law. It’s chaotic and crazy, but the outcome is always satisfying. 

Her blonde curls bounce with each step she takes as she makes her way to her favourite local coffee shop to meet with her clients. All she knows is that they are a lesbian couple. They’re her favourite type of customers, she feels some sort of _lesbian solidarity_ (and straight couples weird her out).

Her pink files and notebooks are crammed into her arms, which feel like they’re going to drop off at any given moment. She sings a sigh of relief when she arrives and drops everything onto the small wooden table. While setting up her laptop and opening up the many pages of notes and pictures, she orders her usual caramel latte with extra drizzle. The waitress carries it over a few moments later, and Trixie nods a little ‘thank you’ and takes a small sip. 

Preoccupied with her drink, she doesn’t notice the ring of the bell signalling new customers. Her clients wonder in looking around for their wedding planner. Trixie lifts her head and their eyes meet. She feels her breath hitch and her mouth falls agape. 

Katya.

It can’t be. They hadn’t seen each other in years, yet here she is clutching the hand of a tall, thin, dark haired model. The feeling is seemingly mutual, due to the speechless look painted on Katya’s face. Her platinum hair was now chopped at shoulder length, her cheekbones were even more defined. Her lips were still painted red with a dark smokey eye, just as Trixie remembered. They make their way over to the table.

“Hi” Katya mumbled, her face is red with shock.

Trixie smiles, struggling to find the words. She’s here. Her high school girlfriend is her client. Even worse, she is getting _married_ , and Trixie is organising it. Every part of her wants to get up and leave. Give them their deposit back and forget this ever happened. But she can’t. She needs the money. She’s already a month behind on rent, living in LA is not as glamorous as she’d expected. It is just expensive. 

“Hi” The black haired girl with the stern face says, offering her hand to shake Trixie’s, “I’m Violet and this is Katya”

Katya blushes and looks at the floor. Trixie is visibly uncomfortable. Neither of them know if they should enlighten Violet on the fact that they used to date. She looks Violet up and down, she is wearing stilettos with a little black dress, and has the tiniest waist you could ever imagine. Her glossy black hair frames her structured, cold face. Trixie is intimidated by her beauty and her stern demeanour. 

“I’ll go and get us some drinks then we can get started” Violet offers, leaving Katya to sit opposite Trixie. 

“Hey” Trixie says softly, receiving a small smile from Katya in return.

“Mattel’s Weddings. I should’ve guessed” Katya laughs, and Trixie relaxes a little.

“She’s pretty” Trixie blurts before she can stop herself, regretting it immediately as Katya’s smile falls.

“Yeah, she’s great” she says, unsure where to look.

“I’m glad you’re happy, Kat” She cringes at the old nickname. “Sorry. Old habits die hard, I guess” 

Katya offers her a smile and Violet returns with two hot drinks. They talk for two hours. It’s normal, _too normal,_ and Trixie hates it. 

She learns that Katya has pursued art, she owns a studio not far from Trixie’s apartment and sells crazy handmade earrings online. Her face blushes with pride as she shows Trixie the little knives dangling from her earlobes. It’s the most _Katya_ thing she has ever seen. 

Trixie was right, Violet is a model. Her and Katya had been on and off for two years, until Katya proposed. Trixie would be lying if she said she wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was years ago. She’s over it. 

Katya and Violet have different plans for the wedding. Katya wants it small, but Violet wants it extravagant. She wants elaborate decorations, a thousand guests and a huge ballroom. Trixie knows Katya. She knows how private she is, how she hates crowds, and how she hates any form of attention. Trixie tries to compromise for them, find a middle ground. If Trixie was the one marrying Katya, she wouldn’t need a huge wedding. She tries not to show her annoyance towards Violet, but it’s failing miserably. 

Trixie walks home alone, wishing she had someone’s hand to hold like Katya did. She is used to silence, but today it bothers her. Maybe she’s crying, or maybe it’s the rain. She opens the door to her empty apartment, and crawls into her empty bed. She tries not to feel hurt, accompanied by loneliness. She doesn’t want to remember when Katya was hers, but seeing her again flooded her mind with the memories she had pushed so far away.

Trixie pictures Katya falling asleep in Violets ams, listening to her breathe, running her hands through her hair. Katya had carried on living without her. Her life didn’t stop because Trixie was no longer a part of it. Trixie was foolish to think Katya would never find love again. Maybe Trixie had found love after Katya, but never love like she had for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [speak now or forever hold your peace playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16D8Y6vP0OJYZ8LAxa3lg7?si=Lq5GvsmOSHGxXOolPE_pwQ)


	2. Chapter 2

“Katya’s getting married?” Kim almost screams as Trixie plays with the straw of her untouched milkshake nervously. Kim and Trixie have been best friends since college. She had consoled Trixie in their dorm on the many nights she had cried missing her ex-girlfriend.

Kim is a makeup artist, and she has quite a large social media following. She doesn’t call herself an influencer, but everyone else does. Her hair colour changes frequently, right now, it’s a pale lilac.

“Calm down, it’s been years. I’m happy for her” Trixie protests, but Kim can see right through her. They sit in their favourite diner. It’s 50’s themed, and the owner, Dela, knows Trixie and Kim on a first name basis from the amount of times they visit.

“Yeah, your face says otherwise” Kim laughs dryly, to which Trixie rolls her eyes.

“Why don’t you use this to win her back” she teases and Trixie punches her arm playfully.

Trixie doesn’t miss Katya. Trixie misses the feeling she had with Katya. She hasn’t been in love like that again. But this didn’t stop her from running straight to Kim to tell her everything. Kim tries to come up with multiple plans to get them back together. Trixie draws the line when Kim suggests they kill Violet and hide her body in her fridge because it ‘smells bad anyway’. 

“Yes, Kim, because murdering someones fiancée is sure way to win their heart” Trixie says sarcastically. 

Despite her ‘genius’ plans, Trixie is glad to have Kim. She doesn’t know how she would cope without her. 

*

Trixie leads Katya and Violet through the door of the florist. An array of plants scatter the room, with an earthy perfumed scent. She shows them her ideas, which Violet immediately disregards. Katya looks at her as if to say ‘i’m sorry’, but Trixie doesn’t mind - she’s used to picky brides. She knew Katya would be happy with anything. 

Katya’s eyes land on an arrangement of pink roses. Her smile fades, and a look of what Trixie can only guess is guilt washes over her.

_Their love is new, fresh, scary. It’s adventurous. It’s full of passion, new experiences. Neither of them are prepared, but they’re so ready. Their nights are filled with yellow sunsets and dazed eyes. Sickly sweet kisses and late night drives. Trixie laughs as Katya pulls them through the door of a tiny ice cream shop. Katya admires her face as it lights up at the sight of the colourful flavours. Trixie gets strawberry and Katya gets chocolate. Trixie begs to try Katya’s, she happily swaps and laughs as her girlfriend licks her ice cream like a child. They walk hand-in-hand in the afternoon sun, which glistens in Trixie’s eyes. Katya is so in love, she looks at her like she holds the world. She leans in and places a soft kiss on Trixie’s lips. She tastes of strawberry ice cream and sprinkles. Her lips are cold from the dessert, but the kiss still warms her entire body. She walks Trixie home and reluctantly lets go of her small hand. Trixie opens her door to find a bouquet of pink roses on her kitchen table. ‘For my barbie girl - I love you’, the little note reads. She holds the paper in her hands and clenches it against her heart, as she rests her back on the wall. She smiles and closes her eyes, overcome with infatuation and love for Katya. Her Katya._

Trixie’s eyes meet Katya’s, as she gives her a sad smile.

Trixie takes the pink rose from Katya, and their hands brush together. It’s familiar. _Too familiar._ And it knocks Trixie sick. But there she is again, in the ice cream shop, struggling to pick a flavour and leaving it up to her girlfriend because she knows best. Trixie knows Katya is there too, but neither of them need to say anything. 

“No. Definitely not. They’re tacky.” Violet interrupts as she walks over to the pink roses that Katya is still staring at. But Katya is glad she doesn’t like them. They aren’t for her. They belong to Trixie. 

Trixie is shaken out of her daydream, paints on a smile and caters to Violet’s endless needs. She avoids Katya’s eyes for the rest of the morning. They settle on some extravagant arrangement, but Katya tones it down with more subtle colours. Trixie is happy as long as it isn’t pink roses.

Trixie walks home, the morning sun is slowly growing warmer. She sees Katya and Violet walk in a different direction, to their different home with their different lives. She isn’t jealous, she’s envious.

Trixie takes out her purse and pulls out the little piece of paper, that had started to yellow and edges had curled. _‘For my barbie girl - I love you’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [speak now or forever hold your peace playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16D8Y6vP0OJYZ8LAxa3lg7?si=Lq5GvsmOSHGxXOolPE_pwQ)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated early because I have nothing better to do! hope you enjoy it <3

Katya wakes up early in the morning and brews herself a black coffee. Violet is still sleeping, as usual, so Katya has a few hours to herself. She uses them to paint and think. Since the engagement, she hasn’t had much motivation to paint, especially since she met her wedding planner. Katya loves Violet, of course she does, but she can’t deny that seeing Trixie again has brought back so many memories. 

She had proposed in France, while they were there for one of Violet’s fashion shows. Katya doesn’t usually go with Violet to her shoots in other states and countries, but she had flown out to surprise her. Violet is away often, which is the reason for their many break ups. But they always end up back together, by habit Katya supposes. Violet is familiar and Katya doesn’t like change. _Change._ Seeing Trixie again is a huge change. She doesn't know what to think about it, but apparently her hands do. She finds herself painting a pretty blonde girl in shades of pink.

As the morning turns to afternoon, Violet is at a meeting with her agent and Katya wants to surprise her. She stops at their favourite bakery and buys a croissant and a coffee and takes the train to the office building where Violet has been bored out of her mind all day.

Before she enters the the tall building, she fixes her hair in the faint reflection in the glass walls. She coughs awkwardly to get the attention of a fed-up, middle aged receptionist who has defined bags under her eyes and glasses perched at the end of her nose. Katya asks where the agent’s office is and is directed to the twelfth floor, room 219. She takes the elevator and feels out of place, as she’s never had a ‘professional’ job like this- she spends her days in messy overalls splattering paint on canvases. The elevator door opens and a long hallway is outstretched in front of her. It’s silent apart from the humming of electricity and faint murmurs coming from behind closed doors.

She spots room 219, and reaches for the handle. Before she can grab it, she’s startled by the door opening in her face. Violet spots her with a confused glance.

“Katya, what are you doing?” Katya freezes, she expected Violet to be happy to see her.

‘I just thought I’d bring you some-“

“Not right now” she interrupts, and walks straight past her.

Katya tries not to cry. She leaves the building, croissant and coffee in hand, gets on the train and goes home. 

She wonders when their relationship had gotten like this. At first, they couldn’t get enough of each other. Now they’re getting sick of each other. The person who once felt like a lover, now feels like an acquaintance. They live completely different lives in the same house. Violet comes home at 3am and Katya wakes up at 5am. Violet spends weekends partying and Katya spends them reading on the balcony. Violet buys a $7 matcha iced tea every morning and Katya brews black coffee. They’re so different. They love each other, but Katya questions if they’re in love with each other.

Katya curls up on the couch and falls asleep, stale croissant and cold coffee on the kitchen table.

*

Trixie spends all morning tidying her apartment, even though it’s already spotless. Katya and Violet are coming over to sign papers and talk about financial aspects of the wedding. In times like this, she hates that she works from home. Trixie is so nervous, she tries not to bite her perfectly painted manicure. 

She dusts her pink plant pots, and realises she can’t remember the last time she watered them, _sorry Brenda and Bertha._ She knows she’s being stupid, Katya won’t mind a little mess. But yet here she is, scrubbing the insides of her kitchen cupboards. She cleans until her apartment no longer smells like home, but like a janitors closet. Trixie curses her anxiety for making her clean restlessly. She burns some candles to try and humanise her home again. The candles are sickly sweet, and very _Trixie._

There’s a small knock, and Trixie takes a deep breath to compose herself before painting on an exaggerated smile and opening the door. She’s surprised to see Katya standing there, looking small and afraid, without her fiancée beside her. They greet each other politely, and Trixie tries to ignore the awkwardness hanging above them. 

“Violet had a last-minute shoot. I tried to make her miss it but she said it was important” Katya explains apologetically. Half of Trixie is annoyed because Violet should be here with Katya, _they are getting married remember._ The other half of Trixie is happy because she won’t have to pretend to ignore the you’re-marrying-my-ex-girlfriend situation. 

Katya is wearing a black skirt with fishnets underneath, complete with a black mesh top and her boots. Her messy hair is slightly more controlled than it used to be. Her red lipstick and smudged black eyeliner is applied with more precision and skill than it was in high school. But it was still haphazard and very much _Katya._ She looks so effortlessly beautiful, it makes Trixie feel self-conscious. She has pink slacks with a blouse tucked in, paired with white pumps- an outfit that Kim would call _’milf realness’._ Trixie can’t help but wonder if Katya can see the subtle changes to her appearance too. Like how her eye makeup is toned down from how she used to do it, how she has grown into her curves. 

Trixie takes her through paper work until her brain is physically hurting. She offers Katya a drink, and here they are, sat on Trixie’s couch drinking expensive wine. Trixie feels herself becoming comfortable again. It’s so easy to talk to Katya, she’s just so likeable. She can’t help but feel like she’s back in Katya’s bedroom in Boston. Staying up all night laughing at everything and nothing.

“This whole situation is so crazy isn’t it?” Katya laughs. Trixie looks up in confusion.

“You know, we kinda used to date” Trixie was praying this wouldn’t come up, but she isn’t stupid. She wishes she could blame it on the alcohol, but they haven’t even had enough to feel tipsy. Her face turns a deep shade crimson.

“Yeah, we did” Trixie laughs nervously. 

“You were good to me Trix, thank you” Trixie feels her heart fall into her stomach at the nickname. She doesn’t know where to look, what to do with her hands, or what to say. 

“Forever, remember” Katya almost whispers.

_Here they are, 4am in Boston Logan Airport. Katya drags her heavy suitcase behind her, her hair in a bun and dressed in her comfiest sweats. This was it. No messy goodbye. No screaming. No fighting. But yet so much heartache. This day had been looming for a while, hidden by ignorant bliss. They stand in front of the gate, neither of them can find the right words to say. Katya is flying to New York for college. Trixie’s flight to California is tomorrow, so she is the one that has to watch her girlfriend leave. She wishes her flight was first, so she could leave and not look back. Instead she has to watch the one person she cares for the most walk away from her. Trixie wishes they could stay together. But she knows it’s for the best. They have never been this far apart before, 2,920 miles to be exact. There’s no way they could withstand the distance. It would be unfair to ask. They would rather end it happily, instead of falling out of love and fighting. It’s the sensible thing to do, but Trixie wishes they weren’t so sensible. Time is ticking, too quickly, and Katya’s flight is nearing. Trixie looks up at her, eyes red and glossy, taking her hand in her own._

_“I love you, Kat” A tear escapes her eye. Katya wipes it with her finger and kisses her damp cheek._

_“Forever” she assures Trixie, squeezing her hand tight. And with that, she boards her flight. Leaving Trixie to watch her walk away. She sits at the airport alone for a while, and cries as she watches families await their trip to Disney World, as she watches a man realise he forgot his passport, as the gate to the one way trip to Boston closes. She takes a deep breath and whispers to herself, ‘forever’._

Trixie is shaken back to reality by Katya grabbing her hand. She holds her hand for the first time since she let go of it in the airport. It feels right. Safe. They sit in silence. Trixie doesn’t know how to respond, but her eyes say enough.

She doesn’t realise she’s crying until Katya wipes the tears from her face, just as she did on their last day. But this time she doesn’t move her hand away. She rests it on her cheek, and Trixie thinks she’s imagining it when she feels Katya leaning in. She connects their lips, that fit like pieces of a puzzle. The small kiss feels electrifying, Trixie thinks you’d be able to see the sparks. They linger with their lips touching for a moment, silently asking permission. Katya kisses her again, this time filled with passion and longing. They have waited years for this moment, and it's worth it. Katya’s lips are soft and sweet, and taste like home. Trixie holds Katya’s waist delicately. She has missed this more than anything, and she never wants it to stop. But she knows it has to.

“Katya.” She says, pulling away with an alarming tone, “We can’t do this. You’re getting married.”

“Trixie I-“

“I think you should go.” She interrupts, standing and picking up Katya’s bag. She hands it to her and ushers her out the door. Katya looks defeated, confused and guilty. Trixie doesn’t give her chance to speak. If she did, she probably would end up kissing her again. As much as she wants to- she can’t. She slams the door in Katya’s face, too overwhelmed and flustered to think straight.

Trixie doesn’t let herself think about it. She gets in the shower, lets the water run down her body, washing away the guilt she feels engulfed by. After scrubbing the shame from her skin, she dries her hair and adds extra steps to her night routine. Uses a face mask, paints her nails. Anything to keep her mind distracted. It works until she’s lying in bed staring at her ceiling. She finally lets herself breakdown. She doesn’t quite know why she’s crying; kissing her, throwing her out, or the fact that she’s getting married to someone else. Maybe it’s all of the above.

Her body shakes with sobs, no one is watching but she feels embarrassed. Embarrassed that she’s 23 years old and crying over a girl she dated at 18. The five years without her had flown by, but at the same time felt painfully slow. It feels like yesterday she was a loved-up teenager, yet it feels like she hasn’t seen her in a million years.

She was sure she didn’t miss Katya, just missed the feeling of being loved. But now, after the kiss, she’d do anything to have her back. It’s too late. She should’ve called. The breakup hurt her so much, she couldn’t return Katya’s calls. She couldn’t bring herself to be friends with someone she was so in love with- _is_ so in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [speak now or forever hold your peace playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16D8Y6vP0OJYZ8LAxa3lg7?si=Lq5GvsmOSHGxXOolPE_pwQ)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here's another chapter, please let me know what you think!! i also made a playlist of songs that inspired this fic it's linked at the end of each chapter! thanks for reading <3

Katya brews coffee in her underwear at 4am. She has given up trying to sleep. Last night, Violet had crept into bed after finally coming home from her shoot, and Katya pretended to be sleeping. She couldn’t face her. She messed up big time. She cheated on her fiancée. Katya can’t comprehend why she did what she did, all she knows is that it felt so good.

She drinks her coffee and tiptoes into the bedroom in effort to not disturb Violet. She gets dressed into black ripped jeans and a diy-cropped band shirt, accessorised with eyeball earrings because she’s _Katya._

She sits out on the balcony and lights a cigarette. Slowly, she inhales the smoke and tilts her head back, closing her eyes before letting it escape from her mouth. The red lipstick stained cigarette dangles between her fingers, and for the first time since Trixie had become part of her life again, she feels calm.

“Good morning, babe” Violet startles Katya. It’s now a reasonable hour of the morning, and Violet joins her on the couch. Katya is taken out of her thoughts and has to face reality. She looks like a deer in headlights.

“How did it go with Trixie?” Violet asks unassumingly, but Katya is so paranoid she senses a knowing undertone. But that’s impossible, there’s no way she could know.

“It was fine. Boring- totally boring. Nothing interesting at all” Katya can feel herself over compensating and rambling, but she can’t help it.

“Katya what’s going on?” Her cold features form a look of concern. Katya knows she’s in trouble, she can’t lie to save her life.

“I have to tell you something.” She gives in, and Violet nods for her to continue

“You know how I told you Trixie and I went to school together? Well, I didn’t mention- I didn’t tell you that we dated. She was my girlfriend for 3 years.”

“You lied to me” Violet says calmly and Katya freezes before she can carry on.

“Not telling me was a lie. We don’t lie to each other Katya” She snaps. Katya tries to form the words to apologise but nothing comes out.

Violet storms out of the front door, taking her purse and never looking back. Katya is left speechless. She didn’t even tell her about the kiss. She doesn’t know when- or if- Violet is coming back. Katya can’t process this, and before she knows it, she’s at Trixie’s door.

“You have every right to be mad at me I can’t believe I did that. I put you in such an uncomfortable situation between me and Violet and that wasn’t fair of me. I’m so sorry” Katya rambles without giving herself time to breathe, as Trixie opens the door.

“Wow calm down, I’m not mad” Trixie stops her.

“You’re not?” Katya stops pacing, and Trixie invites her sit.

“No. In a weird way, I kind of needed it” she admits. A wash of relief is visible on Katya’s face.

“Me too. Seeing you has brought up so many emotions and yesterday was like-“

“Closure” Trixie finishes her sentence. They both nod in agreement and sit in silence for a few moments.

“Violet’s angry with me” Katya says, sheepishly.

“You told her?”

“No, she left before I had the chance. I told her that we used to date.” Trixie reacts in a way Katya can’t quite read. She is so used to knowing Trixie inside and out, their new dynamic is strange. Trixie hugs her tight, she smells of strawberry shampoo. It’s intoxicating.

“Let’s go somewhere to take your mind off things” Trixie suggests.

“I could show you my studio?” Trixie nods enthusiastically and they walk the short distance from her apartment.

* 

Katya opens the door and leads Trixie inside the studio. It’s quite small, but cozy. It’s crammed with easels, pottery wheels and sketching tables. Decorated with plants, a few finished pieces and odd ornaments that were _definitely_ Katya’s.

She waves to Pearl, who is working on a new piece. Her long platinum hair is messily scraped into a low ponytail, and she looks up through her glasses to give her a tiresome glance in return. Katya takes Trixie into the gallery, to show her all the finished pieces. Trixie’s eyes widen in awe at the artwork that’s displayed along the walls.

“Did you paint these?” She asks, knowing the answer due to Katya’s signature scribbled at the bottom of each piece. Katya blushes with pride and embarrassment simultaneously.

Trixie stops in front of a painting of a blonde girl sitting in a field of pink flowers. She knows it’s her, but she doesn’t have to say anything. She presumes it’s from when they were together, but the tiny date in the corner shows it was just last week. It fills her heart with warmth. After all these years, Trixie is still Katya’s muse.

Katya laughs as Trixie shares her completely crazy interpretations of the paintings. She makes up wild stories for each face drawn on the canvas, creates a far-fetched symbolic meaning of each colour. It’s so stupid, but Katya could listen all day.

“I recognise this one!” She beams, “You had it in your room in Boston”

Katya’s heart flutters, Trixie remembers the painting that hung above her bed. It’s amateurish, but 9th grade Katya thought it was edgy and cool. She kept it because it reminds her how much she has improved- and it reminds her of home.

Trixie helps Katya finish a painting, she ties her hair up messily and puts an apron over her pink summer dress. They work on it for a while, and she can’t help but stare at Katya’s concentration face. Their fingers touch occasionally, making Trixie shudder. A comfortable silence hangs over them, it’s broken by Katya’s laugh. Somehow, Trixie has blue paint on her face. She whines as Katya refuses to tell her why she’s laughing at her, until she can’t help but laugh too.

They sign the bottom of the piece, _Trixie and Katya._ Something about their names together is so familiar, so right. It reminds her of high school- wherever Trixie was, so was Katya.

* 

Katya unlocks her front door while smiling to herself. Expecting the empty house she left, she’s startled to see Violet waiting for her in the living room. She sighs, not wanting a screaming match. She doesn’t have the energy to fight.

“I’m sorry” Violet says, catching Katya off guard. She goes to join her on the couch, nervously avoiding her glance.

“I overreacted, she’s not your fiancée, I am. So I shouldn’t be mad. I love you and that’s all that matters” Violet seems sincere, it’s the first time she’s said the _L word_ since they got engaged. Katya feels her chest tighten, she needs to tell her about the kiss.

“I shouldn’t have kept it from you and I also need to tell you that-“

“No, I’m not entitled to know everyone you’ve ever dated. She’s part of your past and I respect that” She interrupts.

Katya can’t tell her. Like Trixie said, it was closure. So she doesn’t need to worry about it. They’ve moved on. _Or at least that’s what she tells herself._

Katya lies next to Violet in bed, thinking about Trixie. Her phone lights up, and she squints as she unlocks it.

**Trixie:** I had fun today

Her heart flutters as she types her reply.

**Katya:** Me too

She drifts off to sleep while clutching her phone against her chest, and smiling to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [speak now or forever hold your peace playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16D8Y6vP0OJYZ8LAxa3lg7?si=Lq5GvsmOSHGxXOolPE_pwQ)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thanks to everyone who has left kudos and comments it really makes me smile <3  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter- it's quite short because it's the build up to the next chapter, which is going to be very important (hint hint)  
> thanks for reading!!

Visiting Katya at the studio has become a regular thing. Most mornings, Trixie brings her a black coffee and sits to watch her paint. Some days she visits later and helps her close up. It’s nice being around Katya again.

Trixie and Pearl have become good friends. Trixie’s quick-witted dry humour and Pearl’s laid back personality work surprisingly well together. They love annoying Katya, and the two them together drive her insane. But secretly, she likes that her two closest friends have become friends too.

In all the time Trixie and Katya spend together, Violet is never mentioned. Trixie almost forgets Katya’s getting married to someone else. But she is reminded as they knock on her door early Sunday morning.

This is their last appointment before the wedding. Violet holds Katya’s hand tighter than usual and makes sure Trixie sees as she kisses her on the cheek. Violet sits closer to Katya and calls her _baby_ in every sentence. It’s so unlike Violet, Trixie knows what she’s doing. It feels like catty high school behaviour. 

She ignores them, focuses on the plans and pretends not to feel the sickly twinge in her stomach.

“I’ll go get us some snacks” Trixie offers, as she walks into her pink painted kitchen.

‘I’ll help!” Violet smiles and hurries after her, leaving Katya alone on the couch.

She opens the fridge and nonchalantly looks inside. 

“Funny. I don’t really see you as Katya’s type” Violet says smoothly, without looking away from the contents of the open fridge. Trixie hums, unsure of what to say or where this is going.

“No offence, I mean every girl Katya has slept with is brunette, tall and _thin.”_ she shrugs.

Trixie drops the bag of salted pretzels she was struggling to open. She wants to stand her ground and tell her leave, but she can’t speak. It’s true. She is the complete opposite of Violet- Violet is perfect. 

Violet closes the fridge and walks past Trixie with a smug smile painted on her cold face.

Trixie needs a minute to compose herself. It has taken her years to love herself and she can feel it crumbling beneath her feet. She leans over the kitchen sink and rinses her hands, letting the cool water ground her, as her breathing calms down. 

When she joins them again, she knows Katya can see her reddened eyes and hear her shaky voice. She gives her a look that asks _are you okay?_ Trixie just nods. She doesn’t know if she’s trying to convince Katya or herself. 

*

As soon as she meets Kim’s eyes, Trixie breaks down. She has been holding her tears in all morning- she can’t keep them in any longer. There’s something about Kim that makes Trixie feel safe enough to cry, even if it's in the middle of a diner. Kim hugs her tightly, her hair is now pale blue and as usual, her makeup matches. 

Trixie explains what happened and Kim looks as though she is about to go and murder Violet, _which was her original plan._

“She has the audacity to say that in your own house?” she exclaims, a little too loudly. 

Trixie just sighs into her strawberry milkshake and cheesy fries. Not even her comfort food is comforting her.

“You have to come to the wedding with me by the way” Trixie tells her, not giving her an option.

“Why are you going to your ex-girlfriend’s wedding?” Kim asks, with a puzzled look.

“Katya really wants me there. I don’t want to disappoint her.” Trixie blushes and Kim rolls her eyes.

“Fine.” She agrees after Trixie gives her that look- the one no one can resist.

They quickly change the subject and Trixie starts to feel happier. Kim gushes about Naomi, a girl she met while doing a makeup job for a runway show. It turns out, Naomi has the same agent as Violet, and will be at the wedding. Trixie agrees to be her wing-woman for the night, but something tells her she might be a little preoccupied.

*

Trixie gets home and peels off her skirt and blouse, leaving them on the bathroom floor as she turns on the shower. Before getting in, she stands in front of the mirror for a while.

Trixie loves her body, she feels sexy with her curves. She loves her soft stomach and the stretch marks on her thighs. She resembles an ancient greek sculpture- a goddess. That’s what Katya used to call her. The difference is, now she believes it. 

She isn’t going to let Violet take that away from her. But she can’t stop thinking about it. Violet was right, Trixie isn’t Katya’s type. Had she really liked her? Or was Trixie just the only other sapphic in a small town. Someone to pass the time with until Katya could find the brown haired girl of her dreams.

After getting out of the shower and drying her hair into blown out curls, she sees a notification on her phone.

**Katya:** Hey are you okay?

She smiles at the concern, Katya still cares. But she can’t help but worry if she found out what Violet had said.

**Trixie:** I’m fine, thank you!

She knows Katya won't buy it, but she also knows that she won’t press her on it. 

What Trixie doesn’t know is that Katya had overheard everything through Trixie’s paper-thin pink walls. She hasn’t spoken to Violet since getting home from Trixie’s; she can’t even look her in the eye. She can’t understand how Violet could be so cruel.

The thought of Trixie feeling insecure eats Katya alive. She has been there through all of Trixie’s struggles, and to see her happy is all she could have wished for. 

Yes, Violet is the complete opposite of Trixie. But the truth is, Katya needs that. Every blonde haired girl is Trixie, every pink sundress is Trixie. The only way she could move on was to find someone entirely different. 

Katya loves blonde hair, loves pink dresses. She loves Trixie. But she can’t have her. There was no point trying to chase after another barbie with bright eyes and full cheeks. So she created a new type: brown hair, structured face, toned body. Everything that screamed _not Trixie._

She tried everything she could to forget her. But when she closes her eyes, the brown hair turns blonde again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [speak now or forever hold your peace playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16D8Y6vP0OJYZ8LAxa3lg7?si=Lq5GvsmOSHGxXOolPE_pwQ)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter you've been waiting for !! please let me know what you think, thanks for reading <3

Katya wakes up feeling nauseous, it’s her wedding day. It’s almost been 2 years since the proposal, but the day has come quicker than she imagined. She thinks she’s excited, but she’s not sure. Weddings aren’t Katya’s thing- she hates attention, talking about her feelings and getting dressed up, and she has to face all three today.

She dreads the getting ready process, she wants to spend an hour maximum, but Violet will no doubt take half the day. Violet has persuaded her to reluctantly get her makeup and hair done, and she spends the entire time looking at herself the mirror, barely recognising the face that looks back her. Although, once it’s done, she can’t pretend she doesn’t feel pretty. 

Her platinum hair is carefully curled, with white flowers weaved into a braid that wraps around her head. Her makeup is soft, with nudes and pinks. It contrasts her usual striking makeup, but it suits her. She slips on her dress, it’s made of white silk and is simple, but so elegant. It’s tight around her small waist and flows to the ground. After putting on her heels and jewellery, she looks in the mirror and feels beautiful, more beautiful than she’s ever felt before.

Katya has some time to kill, as Violet won’t be ready for a while. She can’t help but question if she’s doing the right thing. She loves Violet, of course she’s doing the right thing. But she can’t escape the voice in the back of her mind telling her she is making a mistake.

Katya is filled with anxiety, but knowing Trixie will be sat, looking up at her with her bright eyes, comforts her. 

*

“I can’t do this” Trixie stops outside the church. The sun reflects off the stained glass windows and creates a kaleidoscope of colours on the ground. It’s the perfect day for a wedding, it’s warm but not too warm and the cool breeze is calming. The church is old, but renovated into a stylish venue: it’s the perfect mix of tradition and modernism. Trixie did a good job at finding it for them.

“Yes you can” Kim sighs as she drags Trixie inside. It’s already pretty busy, and everyone seems to be in awe of the interior. Trixie looks around at all her hard work, there’s flowers draped along the walls and lightbulbs hanging from bunting strings, and she feels sense of satisfaction. 

Trixie is wearing a pale pink dress embroidered with little white flowers, her hair is curled and her eye makeup is pink to match. She plays with her purse to give her hands something to do. She had very little sleep last night, the thought of the girl she is in love with marrying someone else playing in her mind. She can’t live in the ignorant bliss of being friends with Katya anymore and has to face reality. 

The room is filled with people, some of which Trixie recognises; Katya’s family, Pearl and some old friends from high school. Katya’s mother seems shocked to see her, and gives a tentative wave. 

What Trixie assumes to be Violet’s family are on the opposite side of the room, they all have dark glossy hair and perfect bone structure. They seem kind of stuck up, looking down at all the other guests. Trixie finds it strange that they don’t interact with Katya’s family at all.

Her and Kim find a seat in the middle the church, Trixie is shaking and Kim squeezes her hand lightly. The priest says something about God and love that Trixie can’t focus on.

The bridesmaids are wearing identical champagne dresses. The only one Trixie recognises is Katya’s sister, who’s already crying. They stand in two lines, leaving room for the brides in the middle. A younger bridesmaid is playing with the corner of her dress, seemingly unaware of what is going on around her.

The sound of the organ fills the air and Violet walks down the aisle first. Her dress is as extravagant as expected; bathed in crystals, lace sleeves and a ten foot train. She walks the aisle as if it’s a runway and Trixie scoffs, causing Kim to elbow her in the ribs. Trixie rolls her eyes and ignores the jealousy coursing through her veins.

The heavy wooden doors open once again, this time to reveal Katya holding a bouquet of lilies. A cast of light shines behind her, creating a halo around her blonde curls. Trixie’s heart stops, everything seems to be in slow motion. Katya looks ethereal. She is so effortless in the way she holds herself, she looks like an angel.

Trixie is taken back to high school, when she pictured her future with Katya. She pictured Katya walking down the aisle towards her, not Violet. She pictured kissing her goodbye on the way to work, ordering pizza when neither of them felt like cooking, saying goodnight and waking up beside her. She pictured them growing old together.

Katya walks down the aisle nervously, she’s blushing, and she takes Trixie’s breath away. Katya looks at her for a moment, with an expression that Trixie can’t quite read. It sort of says _I’m glad you’re here,_ but also _I’m sorry you’re here._

She joins Violet at the altar, and everything feels wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t how she pictured it. 

The ceremony goes by in a blur, Trixie can’t recall anything, all she hears is the beating of her own heart. The vows sound rehearsed and scripted, so empty of love. Or maybe that’s just what Trixie wants to hear. 

“I, Violet, take Katya to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part” Violet says, causing a few tears from the audience. Trixie’s stomach flips, her anxiety growing as she anticipates Katya’s turn.

Katya stumbles through it, slipping up and missing out words. It’s clear she is avoiding Violet’s gaze and her hands shake uncontrollably. Once she has managed to get through it, she looks over at Trixie, for a split second, and Trixie feels like she’s going to throw up.

“Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace”

Then it hits Trixie. This is the last chance she has to get her back. She’s in love with Katya, she’s always been in love with Katya. Suddenly, she isn’t in control of her own body, the air feels thick and heavy. The silence is so loud, she feels like she’s drowning. Kim puts her arm on her shoulder, aware of Trixie’s panicked flush. This is the last chance she has to save Katya from marrying the wrong person. Before she knows what she is doing, Trixie stands up.

She can feel all the eyes on her, horrified looks from everyone in the room. But Trixie is only looking at Katya. Katya is frozen, wide glossy eyes transfixed on the blonde standing in the middle of the church. Trixie knows what she is doing is wrong, how she must be making Violet feel. She knows she’s crazy, this only ever happens in movies. But in this moment, she doesn’t care.

“Katya” she says shakily, the room is unbearably silent, “I never stopped loving you”

In this moment, she’s never felt more scared, proud, regretful and reckless in her whole life. Then she realises what she’s done. She sees the distraught look on Violet’s face and the anger and confusion coming from their families. The other guests are speechless, everyone is taken aback.

Trixie runs out the wooden doors, tears streaming down her face. She collapses against the stone wall of the church and sobs into her hands. What was she thinking? She just ruined the best day of someone’s life. She was stupid to think Katya would feel the same. 

“Trixie?” She hears a familiar voice call out, and turns around to face Katya. She stands in her white dress, that glistens in the sunlight, face full of concern and confusion.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t- I don’t know why I-“ Trixie chokes. Katya just looks at her, probably trying to understand what is going on. Trixie braces herself for the fight. 

“I love you, too” she confesses, and it sounds like she’s been holding it in forever. Trixie freezes, these words had been exchanged hundreds of times between the two, but this time it’s different. A million little things hang onto those words; 5 years of heartache, an almost-marriage, a future of uncertainty. 

Katya takes a step closer to Trixie, cups her face with her soft hands before swiftly pulling her in to kiss her. Trixie melts into it and kisses her back passionately. It’s wet with tears and messy with emotion. Trixie pulls Katya’s waist close, the thought of kissing her in a wedding dress gives her butterflies. Katya’s hands touch every part of her, making up for lost time, finally giving in to temptation. Katya runs her tongue against Trixie’s bottom lip, asking permission to enter and Trixie accepts. The kiss deepens and Trixie can taste the need in Katya’s lips. It feels so right, like the 5 years of pain was all worth it.

Their lips separate and they rest their foreheads together for a moment, both smiling and crying. Until Katya sees Violet stood opposite them. She lets go of Trixie, turns pale and fills with guilt. She didn’t think this through. 

Kim comes out the church frantically, sighing of relief when she finds Trixie. She runs over and Trixie collapses into her arms, sobbing into her shoulder. She rubs her back and mumbles reassurance into her ear.

“I’m not mad” Violet states.

“What?” Katya questions, and Trixie looks up in confusion.

“Katya, I love you. We love each other,” she hesitates for a moment, “but are we in love with each other?”

Katya starts to cry again, she may have just confessed her love to someone else, but this still hurts to hear out loud.

“I think we made a mistake. I don’t want you to settle for me” She sounds so honest, it sounds like she has been sitting on this for a while, just as Katya had.

“I’m so sorry Violet” Katya manages to choke out. Violet hugs her tight, and Katya feels safe. They might have just broke up, but they’re still best friends. 

“I want you to be happy, even if that means without me” she squeezes her hand, and looks over at the other girl, “look after her, Trixie”

*

Kim takes the responsibility of spreading the word that the wedding is over. As expected, the reaction isn’t pleasant. Violet’s family look furious, despite her efforts to explain the situation. Pearl offers to take Violet home, and she accepts because she can’t face her family any longer. 

There’s so many unanswered questions, so much confusion. The guests file out of the church unsure of what to say; some gossiping and speculating, some in awkward silence. 

“What a waste of a pretty dress” Katya sighs. It’s the first time either of them spoke on the drive to Trixie’s apartment. They are both still in shock, this isn’t something that happens everyday. Trixie had just ruined her wedding and Katya was seconds away from being a married woman. They thought escaping would be the easiest thing to do, not wanting to face the horrified guests.

Violet was so understanding, it made Katya respect her more than she ever did before- but it also made it so much worse. She would have preferred it if she screamed at her or slapped her in the face or _something._ She deserved it, and she knew that.

Trixie smiles at her and places her hand on hers. They don’t say anything else for the rest of the journey and Katya waits uncomfortably as Trixie fumbles with her keys to open her door. 

Katya stands in her wedding dress in the middle of Trixie’s kitchen. It’s quite comical, really. There’s some sort of unspoken understanding that neither of them have to say much, the quiet hum of a Dolly Parton vinyl in the other room is the only sound that fills the air. 

"Dance with me” Trixie whispers, pulling Katya close and swaying from side to side. Katya breathes Trixie in, she smells like home, and for the first time in a long time she feels safe. Neither of them know what’s going to happen, they’re both so scared. But right now the only thing that matters is holding each other close. And here they are, dancing in her kitchen in the refrigerator light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [speak now or forever hold your peace playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/16D8Y6vP0OJYZ8LAxa3lg7?si=Lq5GvsmOSHGxXOolPE_pwQ)


End file.
